MAN LAW RECAP — 30.769% Season In Review
Welcome to the 30.769% of the Season In Review! In honor of this historic milestone in this, the twelfth?, year of our existence, I will be assessing each team’s performance thus far as carefully as a jeweler inspects his trove of precious stones. As carefully as a farmer checks his prized rams for Bad Balls Disease. As carefully as a sixth grader used his fingers to eat chicken noodle soup from a thermos in my classroom just one week ago.
We’re talking precision and accuracy. Beware spilled takes, you’re in the splash zone, my friends.
1st Place — Sadboi Express (3–1)
Okay, what the fuck is going on, this is already not okay. We used to have norms in this society and that meant that we didn’t have to worry about Eshaan having a good fantasy team. I have enough shit to deal with in my life and I do not need a helping of “Ah shit, when do I have to play Eshaan’s team?” anxiety on my plate. Fucked up.
MVP: Austin Hooper! Man’s got 38.5 points in the past two weeks, making him the #2 tight end in fantasy. And he wasn’t even Esh’s starter at the beginning of the year (Jared Cook). If we ever need an outlying data point for success in carrying two TEs and two QBs (Mahomes, Dak), we’ll have this hot start to point to.
LVP: Saquon Barkley. Holy shit, could you imagine this team with a healthy Saquon??? Murder business. It must feel good to have already played and beaten Eshaan once this year. (Spoiler: it does bitch!!)
2nd Place — The Street Profits (3–1)
Look at that. Look at it. Turn around and look at God. Witness four games decided by fewer than 12.5 points max. Witness 331 points for, fewer than everyone in this MF league save one (sorry, Clay). See the 327.5 points against, fewer than everyone in this MF league. Not even Clay can excuse you there, Ruble. Nearly every other team has scored at least 400 points on this young season and Ruble is sitting here at 3–1 with shit to show for it, as if we didn’t just boost scoring in this league with Half Point PPR!!!!! Makes me sick.
MVP: Random chance. Give it up for the Almighty Dice Roll for gifting Ruble some truly awful opponent weeks so far. Three cheers for predestination!
LVP: Steve Diggs. One touchdown and ~200 yards on the year ain’t gonna do it, my friend. And you’re STUCK here so don’t even think about being traded!!!!! Ruble needs you to bring his team some dignity.
3rd Place — DeAndre Hopkins Royals (3–1)
Folks, what we have here is a real team effort. There are some studs on Joe’s team: Evan Engram is the no. 1 tight end, Amari Cooper is #7 among wideouts. But beyond that, nothing flashy, nothing showy. This is workmanlike group putting one lunch pail in front of the other each week. Jared Goff mediocre one week? No problem, Kerryon Johnson will shoulder the load. Chris Carson’s lack of touchdowns got you down? Tyrell Williams is here to catch a touchdown pass every week from Derek Carr. It’s a community, where all are heard and all are made safe and just looking at it inspires me to care for my fellow man. Not like that black hole localized entirely within Ruble’s roster.
MVP: Togetherness. Also Evan Engram.
LVP: Golden Tate. Okay I know I drafted Tate initially but something about a man taking fertility drugs to help his wife have a child screams selfishness to me. You want a Me Firster Glory Boy on your team? Or in your crib? Seems to me Golden’s about to get a taste of his own medicine.
4th Place — Andy King For The Team (3–1)
Been sitting here, looking at Guggs’ team for a few minutes and I have no hot takes. This is a solid team! There’s Russ, there’s Greg the Leg, there’s JuJu and JuJo(nes)… Who is even exciting in fantasy anymore? Mahomes is a highlight reel but Julio is kind of whatever these days and JuJu has no quarterback to throw him 97-yard touchdowns and one of the top tight ends is someone named “Mark Andrews” who look exactly like the name sounds. Watching Russ on Thursday Night Football was truly exciting, flinging passes and running around! Where’s that with like, any other quarterback?? Maybe I just don’t watch that much football anymore (that’s mostly false) and maybe I’m frustrated because I just remembered I have to finish this by tomorrow and it’s Saturday afternoon BUT football USED to be good and now it’s bad. But Guggs’ team is still good.
MVP: Russ! Every time I think that man is cooked, he uncorks a miracle pass to Tyler Lockett in the corner of the end zone. Let’s make the whole league out of Russ.
5th Place — Romney Pilates with the Wifey (3–1)
Kristian (that’s me!)
I would never actually admit this but I may have made some mistakes this year. Michael Thomas and Odell first two picks? Genius level with healthy and good quarterbacks. Trading a star table running back for a backup QB? Not ideal! Not that Devonta Freeman is going to set any worlds on fire this year but still, it’s better than relying on Sony Michel and Jon Gruden’s whims. Brees went down, Vance McDonald went down, Melvin Gordon came BACK which has extremely harshed my mellow. Austin Ekeler was about the only good thing this team had going for it (besides the 3–1 start) and now he’s a damn question mark. Is Jordan Howard the truth??? It would be really funny if the Devonta for Josh Allen and Jordan Howard trade I made with Nihal turns in Howard’s favor. Just about the least exciting player in the league right now but hey, heroes come in all shapes and sizes. Okay, gotta get back to editing my “OJ Howard Comeback Player of the Year” fan fiction.
MVP: What the Ek! May Melvin Gordon be placed on IR due to saving seven bear cubs from a deranged logger and becoming so famous that he does not need football anymore. Amen.
LVP: Whatever happened to the hot and sexy Cleveland Browns with a geeked up Odell, huh? Man’s got one 80-yard TD to show for the year and seven $10,000 watches. Fucked up!
6th Place — Shut Up And Dribble (2–2)
Okay so Nihal started out the year 0–2 and now he’s sitting at 2–2 with top 10 rankers starting at QB (Lamar), RB (Kamara), WR (Keenan Allen) and DST (Pats). Then there’s Melvin Gordon coming back, Rodgers on the bench for Lamar Insurance, both Falcons RBs (good? Bad? Unsure)… I gotta hand it to Nihal, there were extremely low expectations coming into the year and he is on his way to maybe partially exceed those. Personally, I wouldn’t have picked a second-rounder that was going to miss the first four games of the season but you know, Nihal has his reasons. I also probably would’ve won my first two games of the season and been undefeated now but hindsight is 20/20. I also would’ve picked a tight end that was in the Top 10 of scoring and anchored my team but again, different strokes. I don’t want to bag on Nihal here, I just would’ve done things differently.
MVP: Patriots D, I guess? Hate to see the MVP of a team be the defense but sometimes, that’s how it is :/
LVP: Alvin Kamara. He’s just not helping Teddy succeed as the Saints QB of the future. I need to see more from him in that department. Honestly kind of surprised that Nihal is still starting him.
7th Place — That Pretty DangerousFeelin (2–2)
Despite Clay’s claim that his team name is a quote from Baker Mayfield, it’s hard for me to not get a dangerous feeling (ennui) when I look at this roster. Disappointments abound! Baker, James Conner, Ertz (only 8th in TE points), Adams (three poopy games and now injured)… I get a dangerous feeling of worthlessness when I peep this roster and that’s the god’s honest truth. Clay finally cracked double digits last week after three straight games in the 70s and the aforementioned Least Points For crown. It’s 329 on the season which comes out to about 80~ per game? That ain’t gonna do it son! Get you some pass-catchers so you can artificially inflate your scor– oh shit did I say that out loud? Note to self: do not let Nihal and Ruble read this recap.
MVP: Ruble and Tim for somehow letting this disappointing roster squeak out with a win.
LVP: James Conner and Davonte Adams! Now that’s a rough top two picks and they’ve only barely been injured.
8th Place — Weenie Hut Jr.’s (1–3)
First off, give it up for consecutive unique punctuation marks. That period-apostrophe combo is rarely seen in our Information Age and I appreciate that Evan is bringing it back. I do not appreciate Cooper Kupp putting up 21.5 points against me in Thursday Night Football but that’s a different week, it’s verboten! Anyway, this team is actually pretty talented! You’ve got a dud at QB (Jacoby Brissett) after Cam hit the bench but damn, Christian McCaffrey, Mark Ingram, Mike Evans, Cooper Kupp… All rank in the Top 5 of their positions. Imagine if Evan had drafted a lottery ticket QB in the draft like Lamar… And yet, this team is 1–3! Thanks to a 182 point explosion in Week 3, which may or may not be a new Man Law record, Evan’s still out of the playoffs for now. Hard to tell what he needs to up his standing beyond some opponent luck. Too bad he’s not getting any this week >:)
MVP: Week 3. Scoring 182 points will get anyone’s dander up… in a good way. Congrats!
LVP: Every other week. Evan has the highest combined Points For and Points Against and since one of those was a 182-point week, well… I’ll let you imagine the other weeks.
9th Place — The Cook and the Chef (1–3)
By now, you must’ve noticed that we’ve entered Area 1–3, the Top Secret government site where fantasy teams play out mediocre rosters and disappointing results away from the sensitive eyes of the public. JH’s team resides squarely in this zone. This week, he’s looking good: 116.8 projected points but previously, it’s been rough. He’s scored triple digits in basically every game (102.5, 110.5, 121.5, 99) and come out with a +19 point differential. That’s two straight losses by a combined 4.5 points and for reference, Rob is also 1–3 and he has a -85 point differential. Rough! I take the mediocre roster thing back because JH does have the #1 TE (Dissly), the #3 and #5 wideouts (Godwin, Lockett), the #3 and #11 RB (Cook and Zeke) and a QB that has awakened from the dead. Is Jameis actually good?? 56 points in the last two weeks gives me a resounding YES! Maybe the puck-luck will fall in JH’s favor this week. Who’s he playin– ah. JH on the up and up!
MVP: Too many to choose from! The future, I guess? A roster this good won’t keep JH in Area 1–3 long.
LVP: TY Hilton. My man is on pace for like 20 touchdowns and then misses Week 4! That’s not a team player. Also Duke Johnson for squandering a perfectly good chance to be a focal point in the deeply shitty Houston offense.
10th Place — Piggies On Ice (In Memoriam) (1–3)
Feeling worse and worse about my decision to not write a theme into this recap. Ah well, I have homework to do and tortuous Twins baseball to watch through a cracked and smudged fisheye lens for safety. Anyway, it’s becoming clear to me that Chris is ordained by God to shed his sports fandom forever at some point. My guy buys a jersey and the team trades that player immediately (Brent Burns, Johan Santana, Taj Gibson). He drafts a stud and then watches that player go down immediately (Jerick McKinnon, Antonio Brown). He cheers for Minnesota sports and Mizzou sports. He has no fantasy championships. That’s some shit! I mean, Chris can write the hell out of a recap but if it takes him four hours of hunt-and-peck typing…what’s the point? That RB Max strategy is becoming less and less viable as the weeks go on and it becomes clear that Chris drafted all carry-only backs in a year where we gave catches a half point. I dunno, if it were me, I would’ve simply drafted all the good pass-catching running backs. Just me though!
MVP: The kicker?? Harrison Buttkick is Chris’s top player at his position.
LVP: RB MAX. Even worse than Pepsi Max, an outcome that truly no one saw coming. Or GBX — a malt liquor beer that Grain Belt brewed once. Truly wild. Worse than Grain Belt Blu? Unclear.
11th Place — Wentz & Wentzability (1–3)
Okay now this is surprising. Tim Bergeland, the Lil McVay to JH’s Lil Belichick and Clay’s Lil… Pete Carroll? (One title, a penchant for making up fantasy team names that have never yet existed before, not unlike Scorigami) Tim Bergeland is in second-to-last place! Y’all know that when something like this happens, we’re at a rough spot in our world. A lot of this can be attributed to Tim’s skill position guys since Travis Kelce, Carson Wentz and Darren Waller have more than held their own. But what’s up with Le’Veon, Cooks, Damien Williams… hold on, where are the rest of Tim’s good guys? Shit, Tyler Boyd is on of those good guys? He started for Tim in Week 1! Yikes. Tim’s gotta feel lucky he hit on the Tight End mother lode with Waller AND Kelce. Triple digde in nearly every game won’t buy you even two wins anymore so Tim’s gotta find a way to dig out from this hole. Might I suggest a third starting tight end?
MVP: That team name. More classic literature refs in the Other Teams menu please!
LVP: Damien Williams. That’s a fourth round pick that’s played only two weeks in KC’s video game offense… Ain’t gonna do it! Someone else with a D-name will step up: Darren, Darrel, Demarcus, De’Anthony, DARWIN goddamn I thought I was done… Won’t come one give fifth-string WR Byron Pringle a chance?
12th Place — Freezekial 28:3 (1–3)
A 1–3 record, three tight ends, two kickers and a team name from like 3 years ago? Uh, yeah, that’s a pass!
MVP: Lady Fortuna somehow bequeathing Rob with two championships.
LVP: Rams Defense. No longer the studs they once were, they’ve put up 8,8,9,0,-1 points in the opening weeks. And yet, they’re still the D/ST for Rob. That’s called loyalty, folks… Could use some more of it in this cold world.
Okay, enjoy the games everyone! Skol Vikes!