MAN LAW Week 7 Recap: Let’s Pretend We’re Teens
Since I work with the teens now, I get a lot of exposure to TikTok. I remain steadfast in my belief that TikTok fails to reach Vine’s lofty standard of entertaining and funny videos simply because TikTok does not stick to the 6-Second Time Limit of Humor. We all know that teens need an editor more than anyone and with an entire minute to play with in TikTok, the joke goes stale much too fast… And yet, in order to gin up some excitement and learn just how the brains of my hopped-up sixth graders work, I’ve decided to dive into TikTok so I can sit backwards on a chair and really *reach* my students. That, and I’m a huge Xi Jinping guy.
Anyway, each matchup will be compared to a TikTok, okay? Is that enough of an intro for you little piggies??
The Silent Majority (Nihal) 103–102.5 Tevin’s Gait (Kristian)
We might as well start with this one. Hoisted by my own decision to trade a future pick for SCAM Newton, I lost by 0.5 points to the dreaded TallGuy21. It’s clear that my starting QB, the aforementioned snake oil salesmen from Auburn, either has the post-COVID brain fog or those towels he puts over his head and tucks into his pads are actively cutting off his circulation. Cam threw for fewer than 100 yards, gave up three picks to the 9ers and was benched for a re-enactment town blacksmith name Jarett Stidham. With a 2021 7th round pick invested in this beautiful redemption story, I’ve seen all of EIGHT fantasy point from Cam in my starting lineup. But hey, as long as he keeps his Total Fantasy Points above the Round I Traded Him For, that’s an operating profit folks. Meanwhile, Nihal’s got pint-sized Kyler on a jetpack with 36 heroic points against the Seahawks and Keenan Allen taking every possible catch away from my Mike Williams. Ummmmmm, Mike check? I think this one’s dead!!
Nihal: 3–4 / Kristian: 3–4
The Oldest Team Name in the Book (Rob) 118–106.5 A Hardman is Good to Find (Chris)
For all of the talk about Rob’s vaunted Seahawks stack, they came up a little short last week. Of course, Brandbot Russ balled out but Chris Carson got injured and DK Metcalf saved his highlight plays for defense which is, and people forget this, not taken into consideration when it comes to fantasy points. You can chase down Budda Baker like you’re a gluten-starved Devadatta all you want but you aren’t getting any points for it. That’s why I have a new proposal: Cool Defensive Plays. If your offensive player makes a Cool Defensive Play (see Metcalf, DK), you get like 5 points. Or at least a gift card to Subway mailed to you. Let’s vote on it next year. With the Stack stalled, Chris still failed to get over the hump with every starter not named DJ Moore failing to score more than 14 points. Mahomes and Derrick Henry combining for 26 points? That’s enough to make you feel a growing sense of Śūnyatā, am I right?
TikTok Comp: lastmanstanley catch
Rob: 3–4 / Chris: 3–4
Rum Hams (Esh) 98–69.5 Sleep Number 100’s (Tim)
For Eshaan, last week’s game was all BAU — Business As Usual. The rich get richer and the poor get the picture. Eshaan’s 5–2: successful, handsome, winsome and soaring through life. Tim is 2–5: mired in bad luck, unable to get past his starting QB and RB going down injured, kicking cans in the street and dropping to his knees while praying to the Almighty. Showing some mighty consistency is Eshaan who saw five players reach double digits and just one (Drew Brees) popping into the 20s. That might not be enough to win you most weeks but like we said, handsome and winsome. Meanwhile, Tim’s all top-heavy with Aaron Rodgers putting up 27 while the rest of his team scrapes the ground with 42.5 combined points. That’s a combined 3.5 points from Devin Singletary, Jerick McKinnon, DJ Chark, James Washington and Seahawks D. You can pull off that kind of top-heavy act if you’re like our friend in the TikTok below but Tim’s not quite there yet.
Eshaan: 5–2 / Tim: 2–5
Joe’s Fantasy Football Team (Joe) 125.5–118 Alvin KamaR. Kelly (Nathan)
You know, I kind of see myself in Joe. Erstwhile young man makes a go of it in ruthless fantasy league. In first place around midseason. Has Tyler Boyd on his roster because of some frankly shoddy decision-making on the part of his trade partner. That was maybe me in a past life. But now I collect IR running backs like Joe used to do and I stare at my roster and sigh. Meanwhile, Joe got four different 20+ point performances from the likes of Boyd, Carson Wentz, Terry McLaurin and Chiefs D and cranked out a win over a too-consistent Guggs. You know how we praised consistency with Eshaan? You see the dark side of it with Guggs here as no player stepped up to score more than 18.5 points. Sure, five players in double digits is nice but it ain’t enough to win in this league anymore. Not with the draconian commissioners forcing fun rule changes down our throats! The fearful consistency of Matt Ryan, Alvin Kamara, Chris Godwin and 49ers D ultimately doomed Nathan and we look upon it with horror.
Joe: 5–2 / Nathan: 3–4
BY3K THE B7OP (Ruble) 159–98 Boston Kareem Pies (Clay)
Now we get to the big boppers. Ruble (Ruble!) scored an incredible 159.5 points this week, crushing Clay by 61.5 points. This from a man willing to sell off his team for a fifth round pick and license to bulldoze through the group chat with a text like “if you have any vikings, i need them and I only ask for a cheeseburger today”. It’s a shocking turn from a team that was sitting at 2–4 up against a 5–1 juggernaut in Clay. But Tom Brady and Tyler Lockett absolutely balled out, combining for 81.5 points on their own. The rest of the roster was no slouch with Wash D and his kicker combining for 32 more points. Meanwhile, Clay’s sitting there shell-shocked! How could a 5–1 team lose to this Johnny-Come-Lately?? He was convinced he’d survive, by hook or by crook, and there he is — staring at mediocre performances by Zeke, Travis Kelce and Saints D (combined 9 points). You can babble all you want about your confidence in surviving but you’re flat on the road after this one, buddy.
Ruble: 3–4 / Clay: 5–2
Fanning DAKota (JH) 170–103.5 The Second Oldest Team Name in the Book (Evan)
And then there was JH, who made me delve into Russian TikTok to find an appropriate comp for this match. My goodness, 170 points, a 66.5 point margin of victory and this MF made it look easy. Sure, Davante Adams rolled up 37.5 himself but would you believe that only ONE player on JH’s roster scored in the single digits?? Hang this roster in the Louvre! Josh Allen, James Robinson, Antonio Gibson, Adams, James Conner, Harrison Buttkick… You could quibble with Amari Cooper and Evan Engram but goddamn, that’s as solid as a rock. How did we let this happen? Evan even put up a respectable 103.5 points with Dalvin Cook on bye but christ, he still got smushed. Anyway, roll the game tape…
JH: 4–3 / Evan: 3–4
This blog is over! But not before one last TikTok: