MAN LAW Week 6 Recap — Broad Brushstrokes
Six weeks into the season is about the time that juggernauts emerge, goats bleat and the playoff picture gains the focus of an old impressionist painting. Something like this:
You’re pretty sure that’s a grove with a man and a woman hanging out on the ground but you’re not one hundred percent sure. That could be two women! Are those prairie grasses behind them? Is it better to squint or blur your eyes to get the big picture? Like the current playoff standings, it’s evocative, confusing and Chris likely hates it. Losing three of your last four after starting 2–0 and now clinging to a #6 playoff seed while your formidable running back corps marches incessantly toward the grave and being forced to look at an impressionist painting in the weekly recap? Life’s just piling on Chris at this point. But I digress!
We do have a couple juggernauts (Terrifying Tim and Consistent Clay sit at 5–1) but beyond that, everything’s fuzzy! Like a Monet masterpiece, 4–2 and 3–3 and 2–4 teams all blend together into a picture that certainly LOOKS like it could sport four other playoff teams and six duds, given that you squint hard enough. But even the 12th place team seems like it has a shot at making the playoffs, what with its KC offensive tandem and its elite football mind in the front office. And the current third place team is only there because of their unique 4–2 record and that roster is riddled with injuries and holdouts (Ruble). Is that playoff material? Who knows! Alls I know is that Clay and Tim don’t even play each other during the season so their path to the postseason looks secure. The rest is water lilies on a pond.
Sadboi Express (Esh) 89–69 Jericking Off (Chris)
This game features the smallest margin of victory this week at twenty points. Twenty points! A week of absolute blowouts actually kicked off with Chris getting a ridiculous 30 points from one Saquon Barkley last Thursday night and by Monday, his team had done diddly-squat with that mid-week gift. The rest of Chris’s FLEX corps combined for thirteen points, or, put differently, they tied his kicker for Week 6 output. And now that kicker, Matt Bryant, is hurt(???) so Chris has to get rid of him when I’m sure he really, really wants to shoot Carson, Diggs, Brown and Reed into a volcano. (Also, I am just shocked that Diggs turned out to be the wrong Vikings wide receiver to draft before the season. Baffling! And speaking of…)… Adam Thielen anchored Eshaan’s team with yet another game of 100+ yards and a touchdown. That’s six to start the season, yard-wise, and double digit points each time. Do you know how hard that is to do in our weird, non-PPR ruleset? Really fucking hard! And the whitey from Detroit Lakes is making it look easy. God bless his exploitative contract. Also, Chris played Pats D against the Chiefs and got a negative three from it. Serves you right for betting against Patty Mahomes.
Eshaan (2–4) // Chris (3–3)
Hotel, Motel, Golladay INN (Clay) 97–68 Weenie Hut Jr.’s (Evan)
RIP to Kony. Finally gone. Well not dead, probably, actually I don’t know, did we ever find that dude? I do know we found…out that the Kony 2012 video guy got caught masturbating in the middle of a busy road but what about that one African warlord? Huh, anyway, Aaron Rodgers probably tore a ligament or meniscus in Week 1 and is still the #3 quarterback in fantasy which is one feat that I know Kony couldn’t do. Rodgers put up 28 points during YET ANOTHER comeback win over San Fransisco and personally set a 29-point margin of victory for Clay. Just fucking once I’d like Rodgers to eat shit on national TV. Just once!!!!!!!!! Take away that 28, though, and Clay would’ve still beaten even 69–68 with a thoroughly unexciting 8.6 points per player on his roster, sans Rodgers. Evan even had some standout performances with Tyler Boyd (18) and James Conner (24) continuing to cruise in the AFC North. But alas, it wasn’t enough. Truly I hope this does not cause Evan to change his team name back because Weenie Hut Jr.’s is too much fun to say and, well, Kony 2012’s about as washed up as Romney/Ryan 2012. One last LOL: when your kicker attempts zero kicks and puts up a goose-egg, it ain’t your night. Pack it up.
Clay (5–1) // Evan (3–3)
Borgata Burners (JH) 129–90 Freezekial 28:3 (Rob)
I’m not saying Rob deserves to lose because of his outdated team name but I’m also not not saying it, you feel me? Anyway, that’s exactly what Rob did here: he started a kicker on bye and threw his Jags D in against the fearsome Dallas Cowboys. Actually though, Rob should’ve won this game! Look at that starting lineup: Brady, AP, AB, Davante, Gronk, Edelman, Jags D. That’s a murderer’s row! And yet, he lost by 39 points. JH even got cute and started Bears D over the Ravens D (the #1 and #3 defenses in the league, respectively) but it just twasn’t to be for the Fightin’ Freezekes. Melvin Gordon and Cam Newton combined for 55 points, putting Gordon at #2 in the RB rankings just behind his LA “teammate” Todd Gurley, and the unsexy WR corps of Jeffery, Sanders and Thomas put up another 47 points. Insanely bold choice by JH to start two Case Keenum wideouts during this, the Year of the Cold Case, but dammit if it didn’t work! With the loss, Robs sinks to 3rd in Calvin while JH jumps up to 2nd in Hobbes. Props to Rob for holding onto Darren Sproles during his injury, that’s how you treat a damn veteran and that’s powerful.
JH (3–3) // Rob (3–3)
Kamara Obscura (Tim) 143–101 2 Gurleys 1 Cup (Joe)
Margin of victory: 42. That’s pretty much par for the course for Tim this year. Tim’s scored 181, 108, 125, 88, 96, 143 points to open the season, totaling a gargantuan 741 Points-For in six motherfucking weeks. Let’s put that in perspective: the lowest scorer of the league, Nathan, has 467 Points-For which is 274 points below Tim, more than HALF of Nathan’s whole damn total! That’s 77.8 points per week for Guggs (sorry for shitting all over your team, my friend) compared to 123.5!!!!!!!!!! per week for Tim! Holy shit! You know how many times a non-Tim team has scored more than 123.5 points in a week this year: TWICE and this Andean pimp is averaging that total. Last thing: who else but Guggs did Tim beat in Week 1 in that historic 181–55 beatdown. The margin of victory there was…. 126. Tim’s largest margin of victory is more than his average points scored. I’m crying. If you added that margin of victory to Nathan’s Points-For twice over, HE’D STILL BE BEHIND TIM BY 22 POINTS. What the absolute fuck. If Jon Bois doesn’t do a Chart Party on Kamara Obscura at the end of this season, I’m going to be pissed. Of course, you gotta give shouts to Tim’s corps of Saints (Brees, Kamara, Thomas) but then there’s Tyreek Hill blazing for 30 points every other week and Sony Michel getting nine yards a pop and Tarik Cohen revving up and Rams D doing their thing and the list goes on and on. Christ. Somebody stop him!!! Anyway, Joe’s got Goff and Gurley so he’ll be fine on weeks where he doesn’t play Tim.
Tim (5–1) // Joe (2–4)
I Ain’t Got Nyheim! (Kristian) 116 — Degeneration X (Ruble) 72
Oh yeahhhhhhh. Yeah baybeeeeee, we did it, oh yeah!! …………. It’s been a rough season, LET ME HAVE THIS. I have Pat Mahomes and Kareem Hunt and Juli- …and Josh Gor- …and, um, Vikin- … ah. So that’s why I’m 2–4. So yeah, my team isn’t very good. But we’re working on it and dammit, bless this mess. I started out 0–3 and now I’m 2–1 in the last three weeks with wins over Tim and Ruble, two very good teams! And that’s a 44-point margin of victory here. But what’s wild is that I’m still in LAST. I suppose it’s fine, I was in 12th place last week and got a #1 waiver claim and after winning over Ruble this week, I was again slapped in the face with a #1 waiver claim. It’s insulting! But yes, I will take a slightly used OJ Howard for my trouble. As long as Mahomes and Hunt keep making sweet fantasy magic like they did Sunday night against the Pats, I could def make the playoffs. Just you watch. Chris always talks about his mission to grab a QB-WR combo in the draft because of how fun those double touchdowns are and after watching Mahomes rifle that 67-yard touchdown to Hunt. I gotta agree. Put that shit in my veins. Ruble, meanwhile, is currently at the store looking for the least-spicy pepper he could eat for the Alex Smith Pepper Bet. Smith put up 15 points last week, which, in all fairness, did lead DX in points but that leaves him 25th in QB rankings this year. Eeeeeeee. Should be fine, roster-wise, for Ruble though as his skills players should more than make up for it. Bell, Mixon, JuJu, Ingram, Ridley, Kupp, Kelce… I mean, damn! Shore up that QB spot and you’ll be fine. Interested in Luck? Ah, wait, no, nevermind.
Kristian (2–4) // Ruble (4–2)
OBJYN’s For All (Nihal) 110–59 La La Landry (Guggs)
Last one! God, this has been a verbose recap, sorry about that. The margin of victory here is a gaudy 51 points by Nihal over, again, hapless Guggs. The story here is pretty obvious: Guggs sees Watson underperforms again, Landyr, Cook and Watkins each put up a 1 and Lat Murray’s big day isn’t enough to save him. I feel like that’s a microcosm of the whole season for Guggs. Just disappointment and sadness across the board. And yet, somehow, Guggs is in 11th and I’m in 12th. HUH. Who runs this rigged league anyway… Meanwhile, Jameis puts up gaudy numbers against the Atlanta non-defense, Mason Crosby uses Packers devil magic to score 17 after missing FIVE kicks last week and the Texans D feasted on Nathan “God Boy” Peterman and the Bills. You’re gonna lose every time to that team and that’s exactly what happened! Huge win for Nihal though, he rebounds to 2–4 and 10th place while OBJ and his entire RB corps scuffles through the season so far. Drake, Coleman, Bernard… Cripes. I’m feeling better and better about my team all the time! Anyway, Nihal’s playing Tim this week so whoever’s recapping next week can probably prewrite that one. Good luck with that TJ Yeldon flex, co-commish!
That’s it!!!!! Enjoy the games this week and as always, Skol Dem Vikes.