Folks, we got ourselves a regular ass morass here. Especially in the Hobbes division, all I see is ass and more ass. With seven teams at 5–5 and a surreal five of six in Hobbes floating at .500, we may have never seen a girthier logjam in the race for the playoffs. Even the best teams are only 7–3 and two more are 4–6! (Sorry, Joe.) I’m pretty sure that, mathematically, almost everybody is still alive for the playoffs (sorry, Joe) or the curb as we shave down to a skinny six for the postseason. It’s frankly astounding and as I sit here trying to think of whether this is a shining example of our managerial prowess here in Man Law or a bland show of parity dudgeon, I am reminded that I started out 0–3 and now am 5–5. So actually, it is good. Onto the games!
La La Landry (Guggs) 103–97 Weenie Hut Jr.’s (Evan)
Despite the tit-for-tat nature of the league this year, the week that brought us to this point was really full of blowouts! This one was the closest, with Evan falling to Guggs by a mere six points. Which, of course, brought both of their records to tit and tat. It was much deserved victory by La La, scoring over 100 is a feat only five teams accomplished this week but it could’ve been very, very different. Had Evan traded for a receiver before the game and switched him in instead of, say, Tyler Boyd, he would be walking away a winner! It’s that kind of foresight and ambition that define the greatest team manager performances over the year (Matt Ryan for a pile of scraps in 2016 anyone?) and for Evan’s slumping team, it might’ve turned the season around. Instead, Evan saw Christian “Don’t Call Me Toby” McCafferey whip up 31 points and Wil Damn Lutz score seventeen kicker points for Guggs. The return of Leonard Fournette could not save him. Bereft of any young, electrifying and newly-acquired talent sitting and waiting his turn on the bench, Evan lost.
Brand X (Rob) 108–90 OBJyn’s for All (Nihal)
The Team That Shall Not Be Named pulled out a win here and stopped a streaking Nihal right in his path. Our second closest game featured a margin of 18 points, so you can guess what’s coming. Regardless, this match did have a little bit of excitement at the buzzer as Odell and George Kittle turned in extremely solid performances on Monday Night Football to get Nihal a bit closer. The late threat may have forced Rob to mull changing his team name once and for all to appease the Fantasy gods but he continues to play it impressively reckless and tempt fate week after week. But thank goodness he has Nick Chubb! The Chubbster rumbled for an insane 92-yard touchdown run to put the Browns-Falcons game out of reach and a cherry on top of his 176-yard day. Shades of Jerome Harrison! A couple 17-point days from Antonio Brown and Davante Adams about wrapped things up for Rob and this was all without the 17 points from Derrick Henry and 28 points from Aaron Jones???? A Packers back with a game like that, ol’ Mikey McCarthy might really be learning some new tricks! Just kidding, he sucks. I’m ascribing this loss to Nihal’s strange and concerning choice to pick up Alex Smith. That 23rd ranked QB is good for a habanero on your friend’s tongue and little else!
I Ain’t Got Nyheim! (Me) 84–58 Jericking Off (Chris)
Oh yeah, baby, it’s time! Just another workmanlike win for my boys, they saw a light game on the schedule and they took care of business. Nothing flashy, nothing showy! All joking a salad though, Chris was in rough shape for his supposed bounce-back match after the Week From Hell. Kirk out, Diggs out, Chris Carson banged up and a Patriots D that shit the bed in Nashville of all places. Nashville! Sounds like Tom Brady had a bad order of hot tomatoes the night before. Nothing like a masshole to go down south and lose a fight with a distant relative after talking some shit! Or something like that. Rare, though, that we get a quadruple stack of players that total negative two points but that’s exactly what Keelan Cole, Carson, Jordy Nelson and Pats D got the poor man. Of course, Chris is somehow still 5–5 even after this reprehensible turn by his team but I’d say his playoff prognosis is…………..not great. My boys, on the other hand, are trending UP and if you’ll allow me to jerick myself off in front of you for a moment, I’ve got Mahomes, Hunt, Julio and Dion Lewis rounding into form at exactly the right time. Which will be needed with a TOUGH matchup this week against Lil Belichick this week. But goddamnit, I will not give Nihal the satisfaction of missing the playoffs with Mahomes and Hunt and you know what:
PEPPERBET
If I do not make the playoffs this year, I will eat a habanero or whatever at next year’s draft. Mark it! Ruble and I will do ours together ;)
Kamara Obscura (Tim) 121 —92 Borgata Burners (JH)
Another week, another triple digit total from Timmy Quito. Ho-hum!!!!! All the usual suspects were involved last week: Tyreek Hill had 25 and the Brees-Kamara-Thomas NO trio combined for 68 points. That’s fucked up. That’s like the Warriors lucking into Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green in three straight NBA drafts. All singular talents that build off each other to suck the competitive balance out of the league and lay waste to jokers everywhere. Even still, it’s beautiful to watch. You know that these Warriors are a special bunch, just like you know the name Kamara Obscura will go down in the Man Law record books. Course, it all means SHIT unless you win a title, right boys??? (all of us nodding and sobbing at the thought of facing Tim in the playoffs.) JH put up a fight and all but a byepocalypse led to a Christian Kirk bagel and the saucy decision to start two tight ends. Two! That’s right! Ertz in the pole position and Jack Doyle in the FLEX spot. Doyle put up 3, so maybe a failed experiment but still, gristle for the recap! In my younger years, I’d do some research and see if anyone ever started two tight ends in Man Law history before… But I’m old now so I’m not gonna do it. Just gonna say that it’s history! Woo-hoo! Congrats, JH.
Sadboi Express (Eshaan) 130–85 2 Gurleys 1 Cup (Joe)
You know, I might have a Chiefs tandem on the brink of missing the playoffs but look at Joe with his Rams! Goff and Gurley and a paltry 3–7 record, that’s rough. This loss, however, seemed destined from the jump on Thursday night after the Steelers blew a damn hole in the Panthers D (and probably that drum too). Joe faced a -9 hole as Eshaan reaped the benefits: Big Ben with 39 points and Steelers D putting up 15 of their own. Yowza! Todd Gurley’s fucking tenth double-digit game in a row couldn’t mask the fact that Joe’s PARENTAL ADVISORY team logo says “Explicit Architecture” below it. I just noticed that and have decided to ascribe all of Joe’s struggles to it. Smh, shoulda just taken a picture of The Marshall Mathers EP or something, my dude. Hey factcheckers, please also if this is a personal high score for Eshaan over the years. 130 for our guy! With a team photo from last year! Impressive as it is tragic.
Hotel, Motel, Golladay INN! (Clay) 114–54 Degeneration X (Ruble)
Woof, rook. Those are Jericking Off numbers. Ruble’s lucky he has himself a slice of the Saints pie because without Mark Ingram’s 21 points, DX is looking at another potentially historic bedshitting. Negative six from the Jets D and just, well, a morass of ass from the rest of the roster! Save his flex and kicker, Ruble’s other 7 players totaled a disgusting 21 points. Which, you might remember from literally a sentence ago, is what Ingram himself got. Woof, rook! I thought maybe Ruble was hit with an unfair amount of byes this week but no such luck there, it was just garbage all the way down. Except for Baker Mayfield! Our Brown Boy Baker put up a team-high 22 on Ruble’s bench which obviously bodes very well for the DX roster. Meanwhile, Clay continues to fly in Tim’s shadow but shares the league-best 7–3 record! If David Johnson wakes up like he did last week (29), James White rebounds and Rodgers keeps doing Rodgers things, look the hell out for a shuffling Snoop Doggy Dogg in your playoff nightmares. PoiSIN and juice, am I right? Whatever, this recap is over!!!
Skeddaddle! Get outta here! Skol Vikes!
