MAN LAW RECAP — Week 12: “Pass the Potatoes”
It’s almost Turkey Day here in the States and that means just one thing: ranked. choice. Thanksgiving foods. We absolutely MUST rank these foods, lest we let a holiday pass without sufficient content to fill our bellies. So, in that spirit, I will now be assigning a Thanksgiving Side dish to each matchup in Week 12. Let’s get it on.
The Cook and the Chef (JH) 105.5 — 52 DeAndre Hopkins Royals (Joe)
What was the White Flag moment for Joe here? Was it Amari Cooper failing to register even one catch against the Patriots? Was it the one-mighty Jags D getting smushed and spit on by Ryan Tannehill? Or perhaps it was Jared Goff’s Rams extension becoming fully and depressingly apparent as he racked up just 4 points on Monday Night Football? It’s not like JH needed any help as Good Jameis took the field on Sunday and combined for more than 60 points with roster mate Chris Godtier. Zeke chipped in 14, Justin Tucket hit six extra points and it was over. JH won his 7th (!!) in a row and Joe lost his 5th (!!) in a row. After Week 7, Joe was a league-leading 5–2, almost a sure lock for the playoffs and balanced by Evan Engram, Tyrell Williams, Cooper, Hopkins, Carson… But the guilding’s flaked off and where Joe once beat JH by 3.5 points in Week 4, it’s a 50+ point loss in Week 12. You truly hate to see it. JH basically locks a spot in the postseason with this one and Joe’s left to wondering what the hell is going on with Evan Engram’s goddamn foot.
Thanksgiving Side: Probably, like yams with marshmallows on it. Good when you were a kid but now? The Jared Goff of side dishes, no one denies this.
JH (8–4) Joe (5–7)
That Pretty DangerousFeelin (Clay) 140 — 66.5 Wentz & Wentzibility (Tim)
What is it about Tim?
I must be missing something
They just keep doing nothing
Too disappointing to win games
— Billie Eilish, xanny
With this latest loss, Tim’s hit a 2–10 record and rock bottom. Seven losses in a row evince the massive structural issues that rarely hit a Bergeland-created roster. And, despite two wins over The Grande Anti-PPR-mée (Nihal and Ruble), heads will roll this offseason. Will Carson Wentz (#14-ranked QB) be asked back? What about oft-injured Brandin Cooks? Or the likes of Tyler Boyd, who was subsumed into the Cincinnati 0–11 Happening early in the year? Maybe it’s only fitting that Tim got pounded by 73.5 points this week, just another phoned-in performance by his band of stiffs. Meanwhile, Clay is absolutely roaring into the playoffs after this week. Davante Adams (15.5 pts) is healthy, Zach Ertz (21) has reappeared and fuck me, it’s Baker Mayfield (23 pts) at the helm! I thought “Clayfield” broke up after a lusty honeymoon period but it appears the pair is back and splitting custody like God intended. Right now, Clay’s only the 6 seed but with another strong performance by Baker and Clay’s Dozens, look out to whichever rube currently holds the 5 seed!
Thanksgiving Side: Freshly-baked dinner rolls for Clay, over-Cooksed turkey for Timbo.
Clay (7–5) Tim (2–10)
Weenie Hut Jr.’s (Evan) 119.5 — 90.5 Sadboi Express (Eshaan)
I remember when Eshaan was hot, loaded with Mahomes, Dak, Saquon, Thielen and Hooper and looking to prove the haters wrong and Sadbois proud. Like Joe, Esh started out a feisty 4–2 before dropping six in a row, coming into the final week of the season. What a plummet it’s been as Esh averaged 108 points in those first six weeks and then just 76 points afterwards. Those aforementioned MVPs of Hooper, Mahomes, Thielen all got injured and his vaunted Bears D went the way of Trubisky. So it makes sense that, faced with the hellfire of Christian McCaffrey, Mark Ingram and George Kittle, Eshaan would wilt yet again against Evan. Evan didn’t even need Cooper Kupp or a quarterback, really, as he spanked Evan by almost 30 points. Evan basically punches his ticket to the playoffs and Eshaan gets to watching his Mahomes/Dak combo and wonder what could have been if he had just traded one of those golden gooses back in week 3.
Thanksgiving Side: Rump-roast, in honor of Evan rostering four tight ends: Kittle, Hollister, Fant and his own. ;)
Eshaan (4–8) Evan (7–5)
Freezekiel 28:3 (Rob) 107 — 99 ODB MacDowell’s Water Bill (Kristian)
This was a game that was never as close as the score indicated. Rob took a lead shortly after the noon kickoffs and he never relinquished it, though I had a frisky moment when it was 83.5 — 80. Jarvis Landry ruined that dream. In a matchup dominated by so many Browns that you’d expect to hear it coined the “Toilet Bowl”, one would be forgiven for not realizing that Rob vs. Me was a title fight for the top of the Calvin division. Both 7–4 and eyes on the playoffs, each team knew that a loss here would be slippery and lead to an opening for the surging JH or McCaffeinated Evan. Landry and Chubb combined for 53.5 points for Rob while Odell finally, FINALLY, caught an MF touchdown but the Browns Party was slanted too far in the direction of Rob. Even Brees and ol’ Mikey Thomas wouldn’t be enough to make up for Jamison Crowder and Josh Jacobs’ combined 5.5 points. And Rob even pulled his defense! That’s like playing Prevent D in my mind but a ladle of Brown was enough.
Thanksgiving Side: Brown? Slippery? Ladle? This matchup is none other than chocolate milk.
Rob (8–4) Kristian (7–5)
Piggies on Ice (In Memoriam) ((Chris)) 113.5 — 105 Shut Up and Dribble (Nihal)
At about 3pm Central on Sunday, Chris was licking his wounds and predicting yet another self-flagellation session after losing to Nihal. Sure, his RB horses of Fournette and Henry hadn’t played yet but when had RBMAX worked out for the young man yet this year? Lamar was looming, Kamara was scampering like his old self and Matt Ryan was shitting like a real doodoo ass. (You score six points against the Tampa Bay pass defense and you get called a doodoo ass. Sorry, I don’t make the doodoo ass rules.) But then, a star on the horizon… Derrick Henry bullrushing the growing night with 159 yards of light, Leonard Fournette scoring two touchdowns and Hollywood Brown soaking up some of that Lamar Magic, rendering Nihal’s secret weapon useless. It was beautiful, it was long-awaited, it was holy. Nihal falters in the race to the playoffs, slipping to the Consolation Bracket while Chris mounts one final push for glory.
Thanksgiving Side: Scampering? Horses? Hollywood? I think we all know where this is going so say it with me: Flan O’ War and “Sea”biscuits. Now that’s some starchy, sweet goodness to round out your Turkey Day.
Nihal (6–6) Chris (5–7)
Andy King for the Team (Guggs) 54.5 — 37 The Viking Rubles (Ruble)
A great, purpled blight floats by. Idle and sloven, it rubs up against the SS Andy King and catches an open porthole with a protruding protrusion. The King lists to her starboard, the cheap hull made up of Devin Montgomery (3 pts) and Julio Jones (8.5 pts) exposed for the lightweight and chintzy roster construction it is. The crew panics, rushing to port side as the horizon grows purple and the beast lazily burps up Will Fuller (17.5 pts), Devante Parker (12 pts) and Bo Scarborough (7 pts). The stink is deafening and the resulting yawp throws the brave sailors of the King to the ground. ‘These were supposed to be calm waters,’ one thought. ‘I was supposed to see my Madeleine by the solstice but instead, I will be devoured by this thing, this blasted heap of spare parts, violently violet and most evilly created.’ Its maw unfurls and the remains of several piggies are seen rotting neath the spik-ed uvula. The mast of Raiders D (-1 pt) cracks in half and crushes a midshipman in the forecastle. Captain Tevin Coleman (11 pts, most on the team) furiously rights the ship just as it begins to take on water, throwing his shoulder into the rigging and pushing with all his might. Miraculously, the bulbous, bruise-colored mass releases the King and grants clemency to its sorry occupants, each horrid limb retracting into itself like a sort of occult sextant. The SS Andy King sails on, alive and weeping and gnashing.
Thanksgiving Side: Hardtack, salty from the brackish damp.
Guggs (8–4) Ruble (5–7)
Alright that’s the games everyone, Godspeed to everyone except Evan and Clay and we’ll see you for the damn playoffs! Skol Vikes!!!!