Week 1 is in the books, my friends! Some teams won, some teams lost and others lost but really should’ve won and are feverishly awaiting the stat corrections that might give Jack Doyle just ONE more goddamn point. ESPN really IS rigged against true patriots… Anyway, onto the games.
Kamara Obscura (Tim) 181–55 La La Landy (Nathan)
You know, usually I would start with my own game, since *kendrick voice* I love myself buttttt when someone is less than twenty points away from motherfucking 200 points, you make an exception. Tim racked up one hundred and eighty-one points in an absolute laugher over Nathan last week and expressed his delight with exactly one emoji in the group chat. Is that because Tim is currently traipsing around Ecuador on a grant? Or is it because he’s an ice cold killer? Who knows! Alls I know is that Tim is that owner that comes to the draft with his own custom rankings with stats he invented and fierce loyalty about players you would have a hard time naming if you were given the first letter of their last name and a rhymes-with cue. And yet, he’d share all of those with you a respectfully disagree when you said his pick was less than ideal. What a catch for Man Law. One hundred an eighty-one points… I have to keep saying it to believe it. Going all in on the Saints certainly has its benefits, even if they didn’t even win. And Guggs, I thought maybe you just benched the wrong players but…….. yeesh. Best be trolling the waiver wire my friend. Sometimes it’s just not your week but other times, it’s not your week times 3.29…
Jericking Off (Chris) 100–89 Borgata Burners (JH)
I’ve decided to go in High Score order this year for recaps so next up we’ve got the surprisingly competitive win by Chris over JH. I say surprisingly because Chris was up huge in the early games but JH somehow made it a game, proving that Lil Belichick has still got it, even during a loss. Chris’s top line of Cousins (19), Barkley (20) and Ajayi (20) game him nearly sixty points alone which, unless you’re playing Tim, is good enough to get ya the double-you in this league. Barkley had like ONE good run but he gets twenty points and Devonta Freeman or Kareem Hunt gets four each? Such bullshit, each year the rookies come out and just kick ass and take names and I refuse to believe it’ll happen again next year. “Saquon’s never seen NFL tacklers, he’ll be roadkill by week three!!!!!” my brain screams, like an idiot. Meanwhile, of course the hopped up college grad (sometimes?) is going to run over these old, decrepit defensive tackles, they’ve got young stallion energy and ~~~schemes~~~ can’t account for them! I’m taking at least two rookie running backs every year from now on, you just watch. JH, you’ve got a good roster besides that Alshon-shaped hole in the WR slot. Methinks Mike Wallace might be more washed up than in even his Vikings days and that’s saying a LOT. Did he even have a catch in purple? Christ, that was a dumb signing, Rick. Do we all agree Rick’s bad? I think he’s bad. Draft a lineman!!!!!!
Freezekial 28:3 (Rob) 100–79 Degeneration X (Ruble)
Solid-ass performance by Rob’s roster. I don’t get to say that often so let’s just savor this. Brady, Gronk, Jags D, they all did their duty and none disappointed! Well, Derrick Henry did, but that’s his oeuvre anyway. You slot in AP and a suspended Julian Edelman in a couple weeks and Rob might be one to watch out for…Be a shame if something happened to that Patriot’s offense though… Ruble, on the other hand, is dealing with more than a couple pain points. Le’Veon Bell? Missing in Action and unclear on when he’ll come home. Travis Kelce? Invisible in Pat Mahomies’ coming out party. Saints D? Carved up by none other than fantasy gnat, Ryan Fitzpatrick, who went to Harvard, by the way. Did you know? Harvard. Anyhoo, negative seven points for the new an improved Saints D! Nothing makes me happier as a Vikings fan, of course, but it had to be a rough Sunday for Ruble without his studs performing. Now, I would’ve left Joe Mixon for dead after that nothing-burger of a year last year and also when he punched a girl so hard she went unconscious but some of our scruples are just not as well developed as a White Knight like me so I guess twenty points from him is a nice surprise. I dunno. I’m an ally. I don’t see domestic abusers. Last takeaway from this game is that my Alex Smith pepper-bet with Ruble is on a knife’s edge with 19 points for the terminally-boring pick and an exact ranking of #10 after Week 1. I’m still confident!
KONY 2012 (Evan) 94–93 Andrew Luck’s Big Air Dare (Kristian)
I am a handyman and this week, I am blaming my tools. Jack Doyle fumbled on his last catch, Chris Boswell missed the field goal to beat the putrid Browns, Kareem Hunt somehow missed out on the Chiefs’ offensive explosion in San Diego. Who could’ve seen this coming?? Not I and I certainly didn’t see an L in my future when I went to bed Monday night, still up by six or so and Brandin Cooks underperforming as usual. Why do good things happen to the best people? Meanwhile, Evan’s entire core of his roster fails to score more than ten points but Phillip Rivers and the Team That Plays The Bills This Week D/ST dragged him to victory. It’s all just not fair. Evan still has a team name from like two years ago! Where’s the cosmic comeuppance for that crime of originality? On the plus side, if all my studs perform again now that they’re on my starting roster for week 2 (Mahomes, Thompson), well, I’d only lose by like 70 points to Tim. Part of me wishes Evan had played James Conner so I wouldn’t have had to even WORRY about this dumb match on Monday night. Anyway, that’s the nicest thing I can think of to say about Evan’s team because that is like, the least impressive 94 points I’ve ever seen. You might want to see a doctor about that one, Ev.
Hotel, Motel Golladay INN! (Clay) 90–77 A Peaceful, Easy Thielen (Eshaan)
Correct me if I’m wrong but wasn’t this Clay’s initial team name from last year? Or am I just manifesting off of Clay’s latest NFL man crush, Kenny Golladay? First there was Chad Johnson, then there was LeSean McCoy, then there was any Eagles, pick an Eagle and now there’s Golladay. It’s insane how we can measure our league in player obsessions since we’ve been doing this for more than eleven seasons now. You know what? Let’s Remember Some Guys real quick: Trent Richardson, Clinton Portis, Travis Henry, Steve Slaton. Christ, we’re getting old. Anyway, Eshaan drafted two tight ends and both suffered nearly season-ending foot/ankle injuries during Week One with is just some classic Eshaan shit to happen. Classic Eshaan Shit: The Sequel was released earlier this week when Esh forgot to drop either of them to pick up a new tight end. He’s in midseason form, folks! Not to mention, Clay’s defense piked up the dreaded negative-six points, usually a death knell for ANY team’s chances but damn if Eshaan didn’t make it work. For Clay, we’re all probably lucky that Rodgers is going peg-leg for the rest of the season because that core of Aaron, David Johnson, Keenan Allen and AJ Green (who is averaging two touchdowns a week! Holy shit, when was the last time Green was more exciting than like, quality wallpaper?) is frightening.
Kareem Hunts Poorly (Joe) 88–76 OBJyns For All (Nihal)
Nihal, is your team name a Medicare For All joke or just like a OBGYN Female Body Inspector concoction? Either way, let us know in the comments! Whichever it is, the moniker juju just wasn’t enough last week as Nihal scored the second lowest point total on the backs of 25 points combined from Kenyan Drake, Tevin Coleman, DeAndre Hopkins, Doug Baldwin and Tyler Eifert. Not an ideal start for the OBJyns! And now that Baldwin’s out, Nihal must be relieved that on his bench, reinforcements are on the– hm, nevermind. Sure, Kenny Stills DID score 24 points last week but honestly, I’d rather wade into a crowd of Antifa in full Pepe cosplay than rely on a Dolphins wide receiver. For my money, Dolphins are the most anonymous team in the whole NFL. They have incognito at quarterback, incognito at skill positions and the only place they DON’T have Incognito is the o-line after that whole Jonathan Martin thing. Seriously, was the last time the Dolphins were exciting when Ronnie Brown was taking direct snaps to the house? But I digress. Not a ton to love with Joe’s roster either as Matt Stafford’s horrendous ass is his only quarterback and I’d be stunned if Mike Evans scored more than 20 points again this season. Stafford looked so bad on Monday night that you just KNOW the Lions fans wanted Drew Magary’s Son instead of Stafford, even after that career-opening pick-six. The Motor City Kitties are back!!!!!!!
That’s all she wrote, folks! Enjoy Week Two and if I lose by one point again, I am leaving the league. Ta ta!
