We start off this week’s write-up at the bottom. After a hard-fought 2018 campaign, it was fated that some of our brothers would sink into the muck, screaming and yelling about knees exploding and a bitch named Le’Veon while six of us trudged past, into the postseason. It was horrible and we will never forget it. May our fallen comrades find a sort of peace down below. Their names: Nihal, Eshaan, Evan, Joe, JH, Ruble. In that order, actually. Nihal will pick first in the 2019 draft, followed by Eshaan, Evan and so on. This marks the second time in the past four years that Nihal has reaped the number one overall pick, with 2017 c-c-c-c-combobreaking and delivering our co-commish his only Mr. Clanky Trophy. Weird! Anyway… suck it Nihal!!!!!!!!!!! Alright, enough about the losers.
THE BYES
#1 Kamara Obscura (Tim) 8–5
It’s no surprise that Tim’s the one seed but yeesh, 8–5? Wasn’t this the team of the decade that was supposed to steamroll everyone on its way to Tim’s second title? It hasn’t turned out that way as KO dropped its last two before limping into the playoffs. The vaunted Saints triumvirate has looked anything but triumphant and have you seen that flex spot lately? Tim’s stuck starting a dude who is lower than 25th in positional rankings. Frankly, I’m shocked and disappointed that KO would roster such a scrub. DJ Moore’s gotta be footing the bills at dinner, don’t you think? Of course, the Saints have a get-right game this week against the Bucs but, well, it’s a bye! And I don’t want to sound the alarm but Kamara’s last five games have gone like this: 29 points, 21, 16, 8, 6… care to comment on your fallen angel, Timmy Quito? You best be up on Mt. Chimborazo making a few sacrifices during your week off.
#2 Hotel, Motel, Golladay INN! (Clay) 8–5
Clay raced out to a 5–1 start this year and despite a 3–4 finish, he’s held the Calvin division lead for pretty much the whole year. Looking at his roster, it’s nothing special: Rodgers, David Johnson, Keenan Allen, Eric Ebron… Though I’d be remiss to omit the Calvin Ridley-for-James White deal that brought Clay a windfall of scatback points in the early part of the season. Does the mediocre second half of the season portend bad things for Clay? Tough to tell… I mean AJ Green is out for the year but Clay does have the #1 kicker in fantasy so, honestly, it’s a toss-up. Still, the man earned a buy and the man will get a bye. Jaylen Samuels will look to boost Golladay Inn’s chances, that is, if he survives to start another game past Clay’s bye week. It’s pretty strange that both Tim and Clay might actually wish they were playing this week!
THE QUARTERFINALS
#3 Jericking Off (In Memoriam) (Chris) 8–5 v. #6 La La Landry (Guggs) 7–6
Somewhere, up in Heaven, Prince, David Bowie and George HW Bush are putting on a hell of a show. And there, in the crowd, is Jerick McKinnon, enjoying the show but also looking down at his namesake and smiling. Genie, you’re free. Anyway, Chris done good this year! He’s the only team in the postseason that hasn’t won a title before so we’ll have a repeat winner…unless Chris can shake free from the bonds of history. Led by Saquon Barkley and an overturned laundry hamper of skill players (Carson? Reed? Sutton?), the odds are certainly long. That said, Chris has finished strong, with three straight wins and the best record in the league. He’s going to need a huge game from the Purple, with Diggs and Kirk leading the charge at Seattle, and well, the Legion of Boom is gone but I think we’re all worried about Monday Night for the Vikes. Meanwhile, Nathan absolutely faceplanted in the season opener, scoring a mere 55 points in the face of Tim’s 181-point record-setting tsunami but has acquitted himself well since then! Memory of a goldfish, Guggs, that’s crucial. Christian McCaffrey has been surprisingly kickass, especially after elite football minds everywhere (me) deemed him Toby Gerhart 2.0 after the draft. And then there’s the Andy Luck-Deshaun Watson double-headed monster at QB that has somehow worked for Guggs and, in my opinion, would never have worked for anyone else in the league. Nathan just has that 2-QB vibe, you know? Anyway, I think the marquee matchup here is at tight end: Jordan Reed vs Jared Cook, WHO YA GOT? One will score 26 and the other will get 0. And the same’s true for these two teams. This preview is over.
#4 Freezekial 28:3 (Rob) 7–6 v. #5 I Ain’t Got Nyheim! (Kristian) 7–6
If you’re looking for the most balanced team in Man Law, you might find it at the home of one Robert Weiner. If he wanted, Rob could field a team of top-20 position ranked guys and as it is, he’s benching 12-ranked AP for 41st-ranked Julian Edelman which seems like a smart move to me. There’s Matt Ryan, somehow popping out a Top-5 year even though he hasn’t had one highlight throw since Calvin Ridley died. And at skill positions, a killer 1–2 punch of Antonio Brown (#2) and Davante Adams (#3) balances the Nick Chubb-Aaron Jones duo in the RB slots. Folks, I’m not looking forward to this one! Any of these dudes could go off for 25+ points and I’d be left in the dust. Frankly, Tim… Clay… you should be rooting for me this weekend because Rob has no weaknesses. Besides that god-awful team name. But I digress. Meanwhile, ya boy is in desperation mode. The Kareem Hunt shitstorm was obviously terrible for many, many reasons…most of which being my damn fantasy outlook!!!!!! Now I’ve got Spencer Ware in there, which, whatever, and Matt Breida finally decided to sit out a game once I’m in win-or-die mode and then Doug Martin might have a leg injury? Fuck me! Julio can’t do shit all of a sudden and I don’t wanna start Old Man Larry Fitzgerald under any circumstances but then I’d have to rely on Josh Gordon and he’s been mercurial, at best. It’s all falling apart at the wrong time but of course, there’s hope. There’s Patty Mahomes… my fantasy hot water bottle that I fill with boiling water and zip up under my hoodie during the cold nights… There’s Justin Jackson, who, god willing, will slash up the Cincy D this Sunday and enter the annals of Fantasy Playoff History… There’s… Harrison Butker? Bills D? Fuck it, man, it ain’t looking good. After starting 0–3 and roaring to the playoffs, will it end like this? Will Mahomes finally snap after dragging this team for so many weeks? Will my reverse jinx in the playoff preview deliver any magic at all?
All these questions and MORE will be answered in Round One of the Fantasy Playoffs. Enjoy the games everyone and Skol Vikes!!!!
