Well whaddya know folks, it’s the freaking playoffs. Thirteen weeks [gets text in real-time about Alvin Kamara going to the locker room in the first quarter Thursday night] HOLY SHIT I’M GOING TO THE ‘SHIP.
Ahem, anyway, thirteen week have come and gone and [abruptly switches tabs to do a real-time Twitter search for ‘Kamara’, scans approximately thirteen Michael Scott No No No NOOOOOOO gifs] and the cream has risen to the top. The Kareem Hunt-scented chaff has been separated from the wheat and six teams have proven themselves worthy of greatness.
First, a few obituaries.
Here lies Escargoting the Distance, coached by Patrick:
With a roster including Frank Gore, Isaiah Crowell and a vestigal Drew Brees, Patrick’s squad was hard pressed to squeak out enough, if any, wins in a tough division. Despite a great moniker and an even better logo, these snails left a trail of goo and ghoulish performances in their wake. RIP. (4–9)
Here lies Kareem Hunts (poorly), coached by Joe:
What a tragic fall to Earth. Joe started the year hotter than a pistol with the eponymous Kareem Hunt setting the world on fire and Joe starting out 2–0. The rest of the way, Joe would win two games in Weeks 8 and 9 and lose everything else. Hunt, Amari Cooper, Marcus Mariota, Joe Mixon… all had a hand in Joe’s demise but perhaps none epitomized his season like Hunt. “When the touchdowns went away, what there was left?” RIP. (4–9)
Here lies Whom’s Mans? Perriman’s., coached by Clay:
My take: if Clay had spent half as much time scouting X’s and O’s instead of trying to cram every punctuation mark possible into his team name, he might not be in this segment. But alas……… earwax. Whom’s kicked off the season on a shocking 0–5 slide and never recovered, even with an immediate 5–1 burst of life. Was it Jay Ajayi’s lousy year? Or the Melvin Gordon for Dez Bryant trade? Or the conscious decision to draft Demaryius Thomas? Yes. RIP. (5–8)
Here lies Trumpster Fire, coached by Eshaan:
David Johnson and Danny Woodhead to IR in Week 1. Eshaan bucking all tradition and drafting the first defense off the board, Denver’s. Deshaun Watson tearing his ACL, leaving Lamar Miller and DeAndre Hopkins twisting in the wind. Eshaan managing a fantasy team. Sometimes even modest expectations are too much. RIP. (5–8)
Here lies Antlantifa Antifa-lcons, coached by Chris:
For the first half of the season, Chris had one of the best rosters in the league. There was Matt Ryan and Carson Wentz at QB. Devonta Freeman and Leonard Fournette in the backfield with Michael Crabtree and Zach Ertz on the edges. Sure, Willie Snead occupied a spot on the bench for some reason but the future was bright! The red and black Antifa-lcons started off 4–2 and then the bottom dropped out. Ertz and Wentz weren’t enough to save Chris as Fournette got a nagging injury, Devonta Freeman realized he was only 5 feet tall and Michael Crabtree’s football talisman got took by Aqib Talib. Let this be a warning to all: even if your team rules by Week 6, consider trading your entire roster, just in case. RIP. (5–8)
Here lies Freezekiel 28:3, coached by Rob:
What to say about Rob? Man Law’s most mercurial owner sways wildly from the gutter to a championship, from enervating Facebook group videos to a broken jpeg team logo, from drafting Antonio Brown to one week at least of starting a couple guys on bye. Probably shouldn’t have started LeGarrette Blount in Week 10, huh? Anyway, Rob actually finished just middle of the road this year so I guess that storyline is bunk. He almost made the playoffs but my gassy ass got in the way. RIP. (7–6)
[gets ESPN notification that Alvin Kamara is out for the game, immediately posts Grinch smiling gif in the group chat one second later. Ponders implication of happiness coming from a concussed man. Sees a like come in on the Grinch gif, forgets what he was thinking about.]
And now, to return to the land of the living.
Your top two seeds, and division winners, are #1 Nihal and #2 Nathan. Despite the team name, Nihal’s been on fire all year. Tallguy21 shot out to a 6–1 start and never looked back. Nihal also set the record for Quickest Scroll Past Team Name and Logo While at Work in 2017. I cannot imagine how you’re handling that as team manager over at BSci.
Anyway, the real story here is Guggs. Remember Week 1 Guggs? He of the 29 point performance? Let’s take a trip back in time… [fluttering harp sounds]
Jesus Christ. That’s a living nightmare. Thankfully for Guggs, his team woke up and scored an average of 99.58 points per game from Week 2 onwards. That is astounding. That is some juggernaut shit and it was enough to propel Nathan to the top of his division and secure a first round bye. And yet… And yet, you look at Nathan’s roster, especially those atrocious running backs and wonder how the hell this could’ve happened! Christian McCaffrey? Tarik Cohen? Aaron Jones? I went back and looked at all of Guggs’ wins and there were two constants: flukes and Russell “I fucked” Wilson. Flukes first: Greg Zuerlein scored like 27 one week, the Texans D (???) scored 22 another, Guggs cashed in on Deshaun Watson for a bit there, Bob Woods popped up out of nowhere to power a few wins, etc. And then there was the number 1 (I was surprised!) quarterback in fantasy: Russell Hustle’n’Bustle Wilson, who has had eight weeks with 22 or more fantasy points. Three different weeks with at least 30 points! And if you have a dude get 30+ on your roster, you’re pretty much always going to win. Except Evan in Week 12, I guess. Who was he playing? Oh. [squints at Julio’s Week 12 stats] OH. Anyway, hats off to Guggs.
And now finally, finally, we are at the Week 14 Quarterfinal matchups. Let’s waste no time.
#3 Gurley Guys (Tim) vs. #6 Squatting Away the Haters (JH)
REMATCH! I guess it’s inevitable because we have 3 younger siblings in the league but damn, I feel like we get a consequential Little Bro Battle every year. This year, it’s Tim and JH and there is no love lost between these two as Tim beat JH both times during the regular season, last week for the deciding seeding. Not that it really matters since they both made the playoffs, I guess? Anyway, Tim’s so solid in the skill players, with Gurley, McCoy, Cooks, Evan Engram and late bloomer Kenyan Drake. But JH matches up better than you’d think, with mercurial back Jordan Howard, red hot Alex Collins, Jimmy Graham and Mikey Thomas bringing in 17 on Thursday night. It’ll come down to the touch calls: like the GUTSY play of Rams D against Carson Wentz and the Philly buzzsaw by Tim. Or JH’s inverse call to bench a very stout Eagles D against the Rams and go with the Pack against Cleveland. Solid play, probably, but does anyone else get the feeling that a miracle could happen in Cleveland Sunday? Idk, Idk, I’m not saying, I’m just saying. Last note: weird how all of JH’s players except one wide receiver are playing away games while all of Tim’s players except one wide receiver are playing home games. Will it matter???? Does any of this matter?????????? Both questions look to be answered Sunday.
#4 The Barbery States (Kristian) vs. #5 KONY 2012 (Evan)
Folks, this week I’m looking to do what the UN, Interpol, Reddit, and, heck, the whole freakin’ Internet couldn’t do a few years ago… Stop Kony!!!!!!!! That goal got just a wee bit easier last night as Alvin Kamara got his dang bell rung and finished with only 2 points. It was a double win for me as my dude Mark Ingram took over for Kamara… and scored 6 points more. So not ideal. But shit, I’ll take it. And just like the higher-seeded Tim was 2–0 over JH in the regular season, so too was I 2–0 over Evan this year. These wins included a 65–44 dumper and a 103–101 classic in Week 11 that saw Tevin Coleman get called down at the one-yard line and lose a TD, sealing the win for me. That tumultuous 45 seconds staring at FantasyCast is locked into my Memory Palace forever. But it’s a whole new week. Compare Evan’s terrifying RB stable of Kamara, Le’Veon Bell and Marshawn Lynch to my slap-dash group of Mark Ingram, Giovani Bernard (Let’s Remember Some Guys™), and Kerwynn Williams! But then there’s my killer WR corps of Keenan Allen and JuJu Smith-Schuster Martavis Bryant up against Jarvis Landry and a balky Chris Hogan. Two QBs that no one thought would be this good finish off the list in Alex Smith and Josh McCown. Fantasy football is weird! Y’all best hope The Barbery States get sunk this round because who’s that lurking on the bench ……………………. It’s Ghost of Weeks Past Aaron Rodgers is ready to rip your hearts out! Fantasy only though, please stay away from our precious Vikings.
That’s it everyone, enjoy the games! Skol Vikes, baby.
