Welcome one, welcome all to the 2019 Season of Man Law Football! It’s disorienting in here, what with the second Rob Weiner Fathead splayed across the Clubhouse ceiling so let’s just talk about it. Rob won last year and he joined the Mundahl Boys as the only two-time winners in league history. And the year before last, Nihal took home his first Mr. Clancy Trophy. Um…… am I taking CRAZY pills here??? *Bill Simmons voice* But what does this mean for Rob’s legacy? Is he finally ascending to the Blue Chippers level of the Pyramid or does he belong in the Teen Wolf Zone of Hirsuite High School Peak?
It seems long long ago that we embarrassingly sent Rob a pink slip over video message (???) like an ISIS video and even longer since he changed his team name. And yet, he’s pumped out two titles in the last four years like a regular John Mundahl. By law, I can’t even give him shit about his team name which is from like 2017, I think?? And that boring red solo cup avatar like we’re still in the prime of our lives in college and not slowly dripping through the drain of adulthood!! Anyways, it’s all a lot to handle.
Speaking of leftover team names, a formal warning to Joe, Evan, Eshaan and the aforementioned champ to get your Name Life right before I send goons to your house. It’s only right and salutary to honor this damn league with a creative and fresh team name each year so don’t let your fellow managers down!!!
Speaking of new team names, let’s do an inventory. Mine? Perfect. Nihal’s? Unsettlingly consistent. Chris’s? We love the unfrozen sweeties. Nathan’s? Don’t know who Andy King is but I’m assuming he is a lawyer with local commercials because Guggs may be the last man on Earth that pays for cable. Tim’s? We have to respect a Jane Austen pun, you know this. Clay’s? No idea but it’s not a Thielen pun, I checked. Ruble’s? I love wrestling and this team name equally. JH’s? A second year of casino-themed team names from the man who does not gamble, only in Man Law!
This year’s championship picture will see the Haves-Mosts, Haves-Somes and Haves-Nones fighting it out like a regular day in American society. JH, Kristian and Rob are going for three rings; Tim, Clay, Nathan, Nihal are going for Title Number 2 and Chris, Joe, Evan, Eshaan and the newly-added Ruble will be striving for literally anything to sate their thirst for success. At this point in his Man Law career, I can only assume that Chris is a glutton for punishment when it comes to the postseason.
Year One of Man Law RE (Ruble Era) went mostly swimmingly, despite an anchor continuing to drag the young man to his watery grave. Last year, Ruble drafted Le’Veon Bell with his first pick and we all know how that turned out. Ruble also went with Alex Smith as his quarterback, so convinced of Smith’s looming success that he made a pepper bet with Yours Truly on whether he would finish in the Top 10 of QB scoring by the end of the season. Hilariously (or grotesquely, depends on your tolerance for pain), Smith snapped his leg in the middle of the season. The pepper bet was lost to history. Despite those pretty bad fuck-ups, Ruble finished with a 7–6 record just out of the playoffs. Will 2019 be his year?
Something else we must address is the worrying trend of Letting JH Pick All the Good Players. This is a problem that we’ve been combatting since the first few seasons when JH won his first championship and it never seems to abate. If I were a younger man, I’d go look up stats about the consistency of JH’s win totals and his history of coding programs to squeeze the most out of his players, but I won’t do that. He’s very, very good. And that hasn’t changed this year: the bastard somehow called Josh Gordon coming back in the last round of the draft and lucked into Duke Johnson as a starting RB on a solid Texans team after Lamar Miller tore his shit up. Also also, JH probably got Ezekiel Elliot at a steal at #5 now that America’s Favorite Soup Eater got paid by Jerry. The only good thing about any of this is that I’m playing JH this week and Zeke is probably still on Cabo Time. Fingers crossed.
What else we got, what else… Oh! Melvin Gordon is still holding out and you know what? More power to him. He’s a talented back who deserves more than he’s paid and some things just transcend sports. It doesn’t matter who owns him in fantasy and who owns his back-up. None of that is important when labor’s trying to get their fair share from management. Who cares about the absolute numbers his backup might put up while he’s gone for weeks and weeks and which co-commissioner smiles while the other cries. That’s childish when a man’s living is at stake here. You can rest assured that once RedZone is flipped on this Sunday, the man in the freshly purchased Ekeler jersey will put sports aside and care only about the human being. It’s only fair!
Wanted to also briefly touch on Chris’s RB MAX strategy. Boldly defying the conventional wisdom has always proven successful in fantasy as we know from Eshaan’s many championships led by 8th round defenses and 10th round kickers. So Chris might as well start planning that parade route after taking Gurley, Fournette and Derrick Henry in the first three rounds. We’ve seen every RB holdout end in a Brinks truck at the back’s house so it’s clear that running backs are as efficient and effective as usual. Honestly, it won’t even matter that his WR corps is Antonio “I burned my feet, lost my helmet and all I got was a lousy $50,000 fine from my new team” Brown, Calvin Ridley and a bunch of bums from the nearby dentist’s waiting room. It’s all paper from here on out, meboy! Hoping Chris tattoos RBMAX on his tush after this historic season.
Before I go, let’s do a little Vikes chat. Is Xavier Rhodes washed? I heard that he looked like shiiiiiit during the preseason and I can’t remember what his 2018 was like but if it was anything like the whole defense’s, yikes. Maybe he was injured? I think something like that happened. I truly think that football is like a pendulum and after our 12–4 year, something like 8–7–1 was coming. So this year is the time to bet big, baby. Cousins is on track! Dalvin had that long touchdown! Diggs is Diggs! Our nose tackles are all injured! We burned a 5th round pick up just for the fun of it!!!!!!
GET EXCITED, IT’S FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!!!!
Have a great year, everyone.