For the first time since 2014, the Man Law champion will NOT be one of Nihal, Rob or me (Kristian). Since that fateful year when Tim lifted the Mr. Clancy Trophy, our league’s highest honor has rotated between the three of us: 2019 — Kristian, 2018 — Rob, 2017 — Nihal, 2016 — Kristian, 2015 — Rob. From the pattern, it should be Nihal’s turn but this year’s playoffs were Commissioner Non Grata, apparently so we’re both out in the cold. In fact, we have a few streak stoppers and starters in the playoffs this year. I missed the cut for the first time since 2015, ending a very impressive 4-season streak of reaching the postseason. Ruble’s made the playoffs for the first time in his Man Law career! His second year in the league saw fewer purple-related meltdowns and I think the gods have smiled upon that.
Meanwhile, let’s get Eshaan up here. Esh, where are you, buddy? …There he is! Everyone give this man a round of applause. He’s made the postseason for the first time in six years! … Wow, just wow. Miracles do still happen. And where’s Joe? Joe, stand up, son. Everyone, let’s all give Joe a pat on the back. At 6–7, Joe missed the playoffs this year, marking his fourth season in a row ending in the Consolation Bracket. Rough stuff, my friend… Joe last made the playoffs in 2016. Okay, you can sit down now. Well, my friends, I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Let’s get into the Playoff Preview!
Rum Hams — Eshaan (8–5) BYE
We’ll start with the aforementioned Eshaan, who last made the playoffs during the first Obama presidency and now makes it again with the second Obama presidency just about to begin. Yes, even Patrick made the playoffs more recently than Eshaan! Patrick, I might remind you, left Man Law two seasons ago. Anywayssss, the Rum Hams’ success is sure to leave bookies in Las Vegas cursing and creatine shops in Maui overstocked. And not only did Esh make it, he took 1st Place in the Hobbes division, got a first round bye and showed without a doubt that the “Just Draft Current and Former Vikings’’ strategy does indeed bear fruit. Ruble, pay attention for this is how a vet does it. Will Rao’s Roster bring him to his first ever title? Steelers D and a red-hot Kirk Cousins could lift all boats but that bench is thinner than a souvenir penny. This bet’s a stay-away.
Weenie Hut Jr.’s — Evan (7–6) BYE
The other First Round Bye belongs to Evan who storms into the playoffs with the #1 scoring running back (Dalvin) and the #1 scoring wide receiver (Tyreek) and… not much else! There’s Taysom Hill at QB, his new position corrected by the overlords at ESPN but not before Evan snagged a win or two just based on that pickup. Did Taysom Hill cost me or Nihal a playoff spot? Ruble, I want the answer on my desk in the morning. Evan’s bench consists of 2016’s Hottest Steelers (Big Ben, Le’Veon, Antonio Brown) and two different LA Chargers running backs. Listen, Evan, I’ve been there with the multiple Chargers RBs this year… The slick uniforms just ain’t worth the heartburn!
#3 Fanning DAKota-JH (8–5) vs. #6 A Hardman is Good to Find-Chris (7–6)
Both teams come into this quarterfinal matchup down a key piece or two: JH missing all-world rookie RB Antonio Gibson and woman-puncher/perennial disappointment Joe Mixon while Chris woke up one morning this week and decided to start Darnell Mooney. A wide receiver for the Bears is cold comfort for the COVID-sidelined DJ Moore but Chris has made worse decisions this year. Like rostering two kickers and two tight ends in the playoffs, maybe. Or am I making that up? Hard to say without going to look at his roster… You’ll just have to go with your gut on that one. But despite all the roster malarkey, these are two evenly matched teams, with JH only +5 in the projected totals. That’s not insignificant since Fanning DAKota has been crushing teams with like 130+ points on the weekly, it seems. Now what if I told you that not only are both teams carrying two tight ends but one is carrying THREE at the position? Not only are we throwing out the record books with this matchup, we’re throwing out common sense, dammit.
#4 BECK LE BLAO — Ruble (7–6) vs. #5 Boston Kareem Pies — Clay (7–6)
In trying to decipher what Ruble’s team name could possibly mean, I finally took a longer-than-two-seconds look at his team’s picture and… still nothing. At least with Rob’s team name, we have a theory. With Ruble, it’s cyrillic and squinting. But a poor team name was not enough to keep the second-year pro out of the playoffs this year. Once he threatened suicide in the boys chat, I think the fantasy gods threw this Spreadsheet-Gazer a bone with the #4 seed. Higher than he deserves but who among us can question the decisions of the divine? Ruble brings the suddenly tanking Kyler Murray into the quarterfinals but he’ll see Christian McCaffrey (subject of a Hail Mary trade) on the bench. Would it not be humorous if Ruble lost this week and saw Run-CMC return to make sweet music with Teddy in just seven days? I know I’d chuckle. Meanwhile, Clay’s over here with Top Ten Talent at nearly every position: Deshaun Watson, Zeke, Kareem Hunt, Travis Kelce, Harrison Butkick. But don’t let the decent roster distract you from the fact that Clay lost 3 in a row to end the season, plummeting to the #5 seed and even losing this very game to Ruble… last week! Can Clay clear the blockage against Ruble? Or will he sit out the rest of the playoffs, constipated and waiting yet again for success to flow? Well, folks, I’ve got a feeling it’ll be okay… You could even say that… I’ve got a Knowshon Dis Shit Ronnie.
That’s all, folks. Good luck to all the 7–6 teams and I hope you all have terrible Survivor’s Guilt! Ta ta!
